january 10th

Outside is dull and grey.

Inside, on my window sill,

frolic ten cheery tulips,

dreaming of dancing in the gardens

and of renewal.

january 8th

The christmas cactus at mom and dad's house is in full annual fuchsia. Startling colour in a drab season. Yesterday would have been mom's birthday. Thinking I hear her voice coming from the kitchen doesn't bring her back. Imagining her sitting in her chair doesn't put her in it. I go back to my busy life and leave dad to the circling of quiet and empty and returning seasons.

new year's eve 2011

2011 Screeches to a halt, with heaving stomachs and lingering fatigue,a dying dog, a young lad with stitches, and a dripping dismal rain. A year coloured by the loss of mom.

We cling, we melt, we hang, we drop.

We never disappear.

Creatures shaped by the divine.

As the year finishes, I can't help but think that we have been immensely blessed.

God has been good. God is always good.

Happy New Year to family and friends, Happy Forever to Mom.

christmas

december 22nd

Clear crisp morning with a silver sliver of moon.

december 21st

The shortest day of all 365 is here, and it is grey and dark and wet.

Last year on the longest night we took mom and dad to listen to Handel's Messiah.

It will forever be etched in my mind

as the beginning-of-the-end for mom.

The last outing, the last visit here.

The first inkling that something was very wrong.

Tomorrow the days will start to lengthen, and skies will clear as they always do.

*

I struggle with my reactions to losing mom.

The grief is still unfamiliar to me.

More tears were shed while mom was sick than after she died.

Her chair is empty, her voice quiet.

Her broken hands don't rub my cheek

and my little ones don't snuggle on her lap.

Some of the color goes out of the world when a loved one is gone.

***

The end-of-the-beginning is over for mom and she is safe in forever.

*****

december 20th

She gives me teacups to drink from, and silver spoons to stir with.

I place them on the tablecloth

hooked stitch by endless stitch just for me.

She thinks of me and prays for me.

Every day.

I drink deeply of this friendship, let it stir my heart.

A give and take of time and words and prayer.